Friday, February 17, 2006


Here is one of Theo's very first pictures. This is him on his first morning after his birth.

His daddy brought him this premiere birthday cake.

He isn't doing very well right now. We are still having a lot of problems controlling his agitation and discomfort. We are basically keeping him asleep most of the time so he doesn't cry and struggle. Jamie talked to our nurses and doctors already this morning. They are coming to the house this evening to observe him and try to come up with a better plan. We just want him to be comfortable. I don't want him to be asleep constantly though. The chances that he will go in his sleep are high and I feel ok with the thought of him going during the night, even if we aren't awake, but I would like to have time with him during the days and I don't want either of us to be away from home when it happens. I am worried that I won't be there. Jamie is worried that he won't be there. We are both worried that we won't be there. It is very important to both of us to be with him when he goes. Even if we are asleep when it happens, we will have been near him. I know we can't control the timing, but his being asleep all the time increases the chances that he could just go at anytime, day or night. I know that sounds silly, he could go anyway, day or night. It's just that during the days, one of us is always gone except for on the weekends. I still have to go to work three days a week and Jamie has to teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I want to be home with Theo, but I also know that I will have to take off time later. It is a really terrible situation. I can't take FMLA (family medical leave act) time because I used all of my allotted 12 weeks per calendar year for maternity leave. I have to rely on my accrued PTO (paid time off) and I know I will need to use it later for his funeral and afterward for a few days. Plus, I feel a lot of pressure to get things done at work before I have to go out. I just feel so conflicted--If I take off now, how long will it really be before he goes and then how long will I need to take afterward? It's just awful. And without FMLA, I can't take off more than two weeks.

I have been thinking a lot of last May when I was getting ready to go out on leave before he was born. I was frantic to get things done and ready for someone else to monitor while I was out. Even though I had a due date, I didn't really know when he was coming and I felt like I had no control over what was happening. Now I don't know when he is going and I feel like I have no control over what is happening. The parallels are not lost on me.

In addition to everything else we are dealing with, one of our cats was badly hurt last night and I had to take her the emergency vet. We thought she had been hit by a car, but the vet said she was attacked by a dog or other animal, she was covered with saliva and blood. We didn't hear an attack though. She must have tried her hardest just to get back to the house. We found her meowing outside next to my car in front of the house. She had several injuries and was exhibiting neurological difficulties, unable to stand or focus. Luka was put to sleep peacefully at around 9:30 p.m. She was purring as she went. She was very old and had a good life. For us, it was just very sad and one more awful thing to deal with. Jamie stayed home with Theo and our neighbor Wendy went with me for support. The vet gave us a paw print with her name imprinted in clay. She is to be cremated and her ashes spread over a farm in Hanover county this weekend.

I will continue to keep posting updates about Theo. If you haven't checked the blog in a while, please read the next couple postings. I have shared some special things in the last couple posts.



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