This letter was written in mid-January, for the purpose of being read at Theo's funeral. While I wrote it, he slept beside me on his boppy pillow. I read it at the funeral service after Jamie read his. It was very difficult to get through, but I'm glad we did it. Both our letters were handwritten to him with decorated envelopes and we placed them in his arms after our readings. I originally wrote mine in a journal and re-copied the one for him to keep. Here is a copy to share with all of you:
My Dearest Baby,
I don't know what I can write to you that you don't already know. What can I say that you can't feel? How can I make words come for which there are none? That which is between us is beyond words, beyond pen and paper, beyond language or speech, beyond ritual or tears.
A friend told me once that having children is like taking a piece of your heart and sending it blindly out into the world. Like sending you very own defenseless heart out into an uncertain place where you can no longer provide it protection or shelter. Taking chances every day with your heart.
I know that what we have been through,and continue to go through, strikes fear into the hearts of every mother and father. For this is the greatest pain we can imagine. And when I read this, on that day when I stand before all those who love us and share this testament, I will have then realized that greatest fear. The pain, I'm sure will be like a dark stone in my heart, weighing me down, lingering on. But what can I do? I can be devastated, torn apart inside that you are gone, but I can also be thankful that I was fortunate enough to have known you at all. I can be heartbroken that I will never hold you or kiss your sweet face again, but I can also be happy that I felt you move in my belly, that my body was your home, that I was gifted with the chance to gaze into your beautiful eyes, however briefly.
I was there when you entered the world and I held you in the circle of my arms as you left it. I shared your life, I saw your eyes light up, I heard you laugh, I fed you, bathed you, stroked your hair and felt the silky smoothness of your skin. I breathed your breath and held you close and slept with you in my arms. I gazed upon your face and saw myself reflected in your features. I am thankful and glad in my heart to be your mother.
Though the pain of missing you is terrible and heavy and will be with me all my life, and I will always long for you to be here with me, I know that you aren't really gone. You will be with me always. In the wind and the rain and the sunlight. In every flower blossom, every starshine, every snowflake and autumn leaf. In all that is beautiful and bright is Theo. Every blade of grass, every fluffy cloud, deep velvet night and bright shining morning. In every birdsong and butterfly, in every rainbow reflection on dragonflies wings. In every tear from my eyes, with every beat of my heart, every time I feel peace, joy and love, you are with me. And as long as I have breath, I will love you and keep you close.
Until I can see you again.
I love you my sweet Baby.