4/24/2006

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. We have been extremely busy. I got a letter from our landlady one week after the funeral telling us she is selling the house. The letter stated she was putting the house on the market May 15 and that we had the first option to buy it if we wanted to or we could stay on, but that realtors and lookers will be coming in and out and of course, we would run the risk of having to vacate in 30 days upon sale. Our other option is that we could give a 60 day notice and look for another place. She was aware of Theo's death and his long illness, but there was no mention of him, the loss, or anything pertaining to what we have been going through. I thought about calling her and asking her to wait a month or so until June or July and tell her how we had his memorial service planned and then a week long vacation planned for right afterward, and how this has been kind of a stressful time and all, considering. But I didn't. The following day, Sunday March 13th, we circled some places in the paper and went out to just see what was out there. We drove around and looked. Some places were having open house but we didn't stop. We drove through a neighborhood fairly close to where we live now, near one of the major public parks here in town, and saw an open house that we hadn't seen in the paper and just decided to stop and go in. We looked and looked and decided we liked it and it was a really good price. We weren't pre-qualified or anything yet. It was the first house we looked at. The realtor happened to be an agent who regularly represents both sellers and buyers and suggested that we call the lending agency associated with his offices to get prequalified. So we did and we made an offer that day. The then-owner accepted the offer, signed the papers that night and gave us everything we asked for--all the appliances, a gorgeous mirror in the living room, and over $3000 in closing costs. We closed on April 14 (Good Friday). It all happened so fast and so totally stress free. Everything just fell into place. After we signed the papers that night, Jamie told me that he thought Theo was happy we were getting the house. I said, "what makes you think that?" and he said that while we were walking through the house the first time, he was humming a Thelonious Monk song (the jazz musician Theo is named for) --one of the really happy, boppy sounding ones. The realtor came over to our house that evening with all the papers and we had the jazz music channel on. The song Jamie was singing was playing as we signed the papers making the offer.

I do believe Theo had something to with our finding the house and with how easy the whole thing has been. We had an inspection on the month anniversary of his death, March 20, and everything went great. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the house that we didn't already know about. It's in perfect shape for a house built in 1948. And now we will have our own backyard to plant a tree for him. I've had his placenta in the freezer since his birth. Some people think that's really strange, but I wanted to plant a tree and bury the placenta under the roots to nourish the tree. Theo would watch the tree grow as he grew--but I didn't know where I would plant the tree. I was just saving the placenta it until I could figure out a good place to plant or until we bought a house. We were originally planning on buying a home when he turned 2 or 3. Now I have a yard to plant his tree in. His placenta is part me and part him. It sustained him and nourished him as he grew and now will be part of the tree as it grows. In the H'mong culture, they believe that where the placenta is buried (usually under the family home) is where the soul will always return. It acts as a beacon so the soul does not get lost in the land of the dead, always showing the way home to family. I know Theo is with me all the time, no matter what, and would never be lost, but I am very glad to have a place to be able to plant his tree and give him a place to call home.

We closed on the house April 14 and have been extremely busy. Getting ready to move, making plans, painting, thinking about decorating, where to put this and that, has given me a creative place to focus my energy and thoughts. We have been going through our stuff cleaning and tossing out and giving away things--I have accumulated so much stuff over these years of living in our current house. I am really looking forward to the move. I feel it is exactly the right thing to be doing right now. I know that Theo is connected to the house and that it will be his house as well. I think he picked the house out especially for us. At one point, our realtor called and said that he didn't want me thinking that all real estate deals went this smoothly. I told him I knew it. The house is absolutely perfect for us and I am so very grateful for it and how easy and smoothly the whole thing has gone and continues to go. We are in the midst of painting and taking boxes of things over. I think next weekend we will probably move the big things in and move in completely. We don't have to be officially out of here until May13 so that gives us a lot of time to get things ready and take our time.

I have continued to have some very difficult days and moments--I am sure that I will continue to do so. There are days that I just feel exhausted and sick with grief. I just miss him so much. It's hard for me to believe that things can be so much more difficult and harder than they were right after his death, but it is true. I know that is normal. The inital shock and adrenaline rush wear off and then you're left with the reality that he is really, really gone. I will never see him again in this life. I find myself still have some very difficult moments with the "whys" and the unfairness of it all--seeing parents yell at or mistreat their children, stupid parents on tv abusing their children, etc. I have many moments of feeling jealous of mothers and really sad when I see them with their children out places. Especially when I see pregnant women with other children or toddlers. I'm sure it's all normal--it's just really hard. I'm not around that many kids (babies and toddlers I mean), but I don't tend to have those feelings with people and children I actually know, just strangers.

I will post more later to update you on the move.

I would like to extend my gratitude to my teacher Nora who is offering the yoga class dedicated to Theo. It means so much to me. 25 people have already signed up for the class. I don't think she has anymore space unless we try to find another location and since it is next Monday, that probably is not possible. Thank you so much to Nora and to everyone taking the class. Having people who care about us there, in Theo's honor, to do yoga together, is such a wonderful thing. I am looking forward to the class.

Love to all,
Karla